Revisiting the purpose:

Revisiting the purpose:

I started writing this thing called the Friday Feel Good back when I got divorced in 2013. My last post to the FFG was in March of 2015 over 2 years ago. The purpose of the blog was to work through some pain, and to honor some commitments to myself. Here is a snippet from my very first post where I posit the intention.

"One of my main purposes here is to participate in an exercise of character manipulation. I need to force recognition of positive things in the world and the people in my life. I am choosing to become a warmer and happy person in as many was as I can. However, we all know that change doesn't happen in the decision; it's a long arduous movement, and a commitment to a goal. So, this is part of that journey for me. I need to strike an internal balance of passion, creativity, love and admiration with my intensity, strong will, determinism and secular humanity, all while leaving out the byproduct of anger and frustration before it destroys me, and who I am." -2014

...Before it destroys me, and who I am...

Let me tell you fam, I came fucking close. Real fucking close. At some point I decided to walk away from this mission, and with it my self honor... I became reckless, lost in shame and self pity. Every defeat I suffered walked me that much closer to the edge and then justified subsequent failures. I became overwhelmed by the problem I was trying to heal and the damage I was doing was much bigger than the band-aids I was placing on them. I literally almost lost everything I have, everything I've  built including my freedom... and for what? Drinking? drugs? escape? avoidance? fear? loneliness? maybe shame...

Relationships suffered, I suffered, anger and depression were the chiefs on train and I was being dragged behind the caboose by the beast that I had created.   The further I got away from replacing what I had lost,  from filling that hole that my divorce caused, the bigger her ghost got on my shoulder.  And let's also note, I stopped writing all together. This love that I had lost, destroyed me on a level that quite frankly can only be seen now as I climb with bloodied knees and a tempered will to the top of the well.

Because something happened this year, I finally crawled out of what ever sticky, dark, noisy, painful prison it is that I built for myself.... This place that will always be found printed on me as I have been found smacking my dignity against the wall there and taking it's form. Yet, somehow I came up for air and saw a path. Because let me tell you fam, I'm on it. I'm back on track to mission one, make Matthew better.

Because here is the brass tax. I wrote, began and engaged the FFG because I want to remember what it's like to be happy; and when I can navigate that progress in words, when I can put it out into the ether I get one step closer to getting what I want.  One step closer to having something new, because replacing what I lost was the WRONG idea. This is about the NEW. I'm about to explode into a thousand good things and none of it is myriad to the past.  My intention is flowing throw my veins with effervescence and it will not stop until it raises me up and everyone I love right along with it... because fam, you are the ones, YOU lifted me to the top of the well, and pulled me the fuck out.

Some of my written words to follow these thoughts....

A strange mystical unleashed beast, my heart stomps fields and recreates flowering feasts.

We fill with love this home, That is why this time, the window shall break the stone.

A wondering bard from the east, my heart plays the directions and shows 

the world it’s musical priest. 

Recall falling towards you, memories ensure I’ll never be alone,

this is why I won’t be amazed, when the window breaks the stone.

An innocent child emotions tidy and replete, my heart is open and ready, prepared for the neat.

Everything that surrounds us now was made with the truth of love, all on our own,

Which is why it sits still and not cast, the window will never even have to face the stone. 

-RESISTANT PANDA

THE FRIDAY FEEL GOOD MOTHER FUCKERS!!! 

The Portuguese Ninja Turtle

Hello Friday Feel Gooders! As always, long time no bloggy, whaddayagonnadobouit-eh? As noted in the ole public forums, I’m still looking for guest writers, or suggestions, inspiration stuff or participants for upcoming projects. Let me know if you’re interested.

Back in 2009 I was in Vienna Austria and I had met a young man named Artur. Artur was from Portugal and had been traveling a bit longer than I had at the time. We ended up getting along fairly well and spent our time in Wien together and even travelled a bit into Italy. Artur was a peculiar little fellow. He had a clean shaven face and head, an olive tint to his skin and was a bit on the short side… let’s say 5”4. Artur also carried with him on the top of his backpack this pop up tent which was round and discus in shape. This little green tent on my short little bald Portuguese friend made him look oddly similar to a ninja turtle; in fact when we were wandering around the canals and waterways of Wien I pretty much decided to play that scenario as real in my head for fun, just a couple ninja turtles roaming around the capital city of Austria. 

Artur and I shared many lengthy stories and philosophical ideas in our few days together, it’s partly why we got along well I’d say. We each had a similar ideas about why we were out there; it was part discovery and partly to share what we had to bring to the table ourselves. Our connection was one of those moments where despite being ninja turtles on vacation, it was full of manly wisdom where we reassured our egos and stroked out faces with stoic confidence.

One of the things Artur shared with me I’ve always carried with me, as well  I have re-shared this sentiment many times in my subsequent story telling, is this. “…Matthew, everywhere you go, you get to see your language, you see, even out here away from home with all these strangers in a place you’ve never been; you’ll never really feel alone. Imagine how it is for me, Portuguese is not spoken here or hardly anywhere, I’ve been traveling for 3 months and I’ve not heard my tongue since I left home, that’s when you start to feel truly alone, when nobody can really hear you, talk to you”

The following video made me think of this immediately. It’s a bit overproduced but the sentiment is real. The idea I’m getting towards is imagine what it’s like to lose (at least to me) one of the most comforting things about life, being able to just simply interact with those around you on such simplistic things… do we take it for granted? Can we help someone feel more seen? I feel this really captures some of that emotion. It is an ad, but I think you’ll enjoy… it certainly warmed me a bit.  

The next time you see a strange ninja turtle man, see if he speaks Portuguese and see if you can’t make him feel a little more at home. 

Thanks everyone.

I Love Your Dents

Hello Friday Feel Gooders!!

Long time no bloggy? My bad, last term was a BEAR! The picture below is an indication of how I felt the last 3 months. Get off me bear!!

Right at the end of the term however my new and good friend Amarett threw down one of the most amazing events. For those of you who know me really well, hell, even some of you that don’t know me well; you know that I love me some party. I especially love costuming, creativity, imagination, art and music, and Dreamer had it in spades.

I really needed this night and the people in it and I’ll tell you why.

One thing that is very true about the last year of my life is that a great portion of my time was spent pretending that my current realities didn't exist, or distracting myself from meaningful progress: movies, shows, video games, drinking and meaningless sleeping. Not that these things themselves are bad but as a form of escape they are. This was devastating to my creative process, there was no time to be alone with it because that time became toxic.

My life looked like a pop can that someone had stepped on, flattened, non-functioning and without purpose. Time eventually moved on and healthy activities and new or existing friendships began to fill the shape of the can back out, but something was apparent… the can was never going to look the same again and this made me angry. Why did the can get stepped on? Why would someone step on my fucking can?? And who’s gonna help me make this can look right again, and the worst of all things: wasting precious energies remembering the can the way it was.

Dreamer, Burning Man and What The Festival this year have been these beautiful fulfilling eclectic moments of primordial joy and healing. Exposure to dynamic and explosive new minds, personalities and beautiful magnanimous friends have been definitively quintessential in my healing process and the renewal of my creativity.

More than once I've found myself simply sitting down and feeling the earth in my hands and just being happy that there is a can at all… because you know what? The honest truth is my can looks so much better and brighter today than it ever has and it’s all thanks to the love that pours into my life by the way of all of you, my beautiful, amazing, mighty, artistic musical and powerfully inspiring family. Thank you for helping me restore creativity in my life.

Every dent, crease and blemish is a new opportunity to reflect a new light, to bend reality. Every contour a promise of perspective. Every peak and valley and every edge it bares is proof of wisdom. My life is an beaten, sharp, dented ass old can and it’s so beautiful…

Life is not smooth, we're all dented here and there, and baby... I love your dents. 

THE RESISTANT PANDA

Shock : Land

Hello Feel Gooders!

I didn’t have a specific topic to speak to today, but I’m feeeeeling generally good which is awesome. I wanted to just put up a brief TFFG for today then and write to you impromptu organically and from the heart.  

When I started this blog back in May I wasn't really sure what if anything would come of it. I was in a state of shock, really. Personal emotions were lofty, stability was a shadow concept and direction was more of poetic scribble.

I knew that I had to stick to principals because there was an echoing mousy voice in my mind that was giving me carte blanche to be an absolute douche bag. I narrowly escaped the possibility of suiting up into a different life in which my pain was a badge foraged in anger, justifying my new and unruly rage for the world.

But in reflection, meditation, love and support I was able to hold firm to proper principals and my conscious was able to stay aligned with my heart. More or less I've been able to make art from pain, and with all of you at my side.

Thanks to the many, many friends and family that have been there for me over the last year, have participated in this blog and stood for me when I could not.  Your love, your messages and your support mean the world to me – It’s amazing each week or entry to hear from various people on how I touched your life, or when what you say touches mine. The variety in which this comes, the beauty it’s inspired is so SO powerful for me, and nothing could be better.

Thank you all from the very, very bottom of my heart, your interactions with me will never be forgotten.

“Failure comes only when we forget our ideals and objectives and principals” –Nehru

Resilience and Fortitude

My beautiful, talented, loving, genuine and resilient friend: Lainey Wright

Good Morning Feel Gooders! Today I have a special request of you, but I’ll get into that towards the end. Again today I will be writing about a specific person (Which I really enjoy doing, and may just do for everyone I know) However, it’s with a heavy heart that I do so as she’s going through an immensely difficult day, today. It’s not my place to go into specifics, and I want to continue the aim of bringing her positivity; I’ll just say it’s an immensely difficult time.

Lainey Wright is a woman I met along with her equally amazing husband about 6 years ago.  I was immediately attracted and inspired by them as people because we’re cut and woven from the same fabric.  Similar to me, LW speaks her mind and dissolves with the small talk. She has an uncanny ability to make you laugh and cringe simultaneously with an eloquent verbal graffiti; Saying things that you’re already thinking with a boisterous brilliance.

LW is a striking, elevated and radiant mother of two smashing and splendid children. She is noble in her motherhood and genuine beyond measure. She’s a blogger, writer, photographer, a beautiful singer and musician, artist and friend. She and her husband have been remarkable friends to me. They have shown me kindness, respect and have allowed me to be me, seeing my heart for what it is and reflecting understanding emotions into my world.  

In life, difficulty and darkness have the tendency to obtrude unexpectedly, what that level of pain can induce to the self alone can be scary, dangerous and has its own set of consequences. Sometimes, we find ourselves in a situation of which we are totally unaware, you’re blindsided and your house is collapsing and you find yourself losing hope… or? You’re secure like a mountain and your resilience does not fall to the inferior elements around you and your perseverance alone is what prevents what seems like slow progress from dwindling into nothing.  This is LW.

I spend every day trying to find a way to position life so that the wind can blow from behind me, so that even difficulty and tragedy can somehow become a catalyst for success and fortitude. LW to me has shown me and unfolded for my eyes brilliance in this art. She’s taken amazingly difficult burdens and taken them down with spunk, devotedness and resilience.

For this, Lainey Wright: is my mentor today in finding positivity, in allowing life to come in and intelligently letting it back out. Thank you and I love you.

Now back to your part in this. Today I want you to help me spread as much joy as you can. You can come into this however you feel is your best and strongest. Here are some ideas:

• ·         Call or write someone you admire and tell them about it
• ·         Say I love you a few more times today, no matter who it is for.
• ·         Do some cartwheels
• ·         Make that hug last a little longer
• ·         Sing, dance, SCREAM and smile
• ·         Listen to great music incredibly loud, feel that shit
• ·         Share my story today, see if we can get others on board, spread the news
• ·         Make some art, give some art, receive some art
• ·         Get your feet dirty and appreciate the rain, BE in the rain. 
• ·         Smile at a stranger
• ·         Skip the small talk, get real with somebody
• ·         Look in the mirror and tell yourself you’re beautiful
•       And most importantly DONT TAKE ANY SHIT!! 

Thank you everyone for reading, as always, spread the love and positivity for me, for us, today!! I love you all!!! 

Rebirth / Second Chances

The following is an open letter which I publish in some form or another, sometimes privately sometimes publicly every year and have been now for 10 years. I think it's massively important that we examine the idea of second chances whether we're receiving or giving them. I try to do this for others when I can.

Thanks and love to you all!

11 years ago today, I was involved in a very serious bike crash. This incident which I will describe further, left me dead in the street (and I still would be, if it were not for my friend Ian) so naturally, today is a very special day to me.

It was October 9th, 2003, my friend Ian and I were out on a late night bike ride around White Bear Lake. The night was clear; it was fall, so it was cool. About 3/4 way around the 11 mile ride I was coming down a hill, it was dark. I was around 100 yards in front of Ian at this time.  Still unexplained to this day, Ian saw me take a sharp left off the road; it is assumed that an animal, perhaps a deer, had run out in front of me.

At about 25-30 mph I collided face first into a large mailbox affixed to the ground with two large 4x4 posts. I’d like to stop here and allow you to observe the photo. A few things to point out: 1. I rolled this mailbox into the ditch, broke one of the 4x4 posts in half. 2. the middle mailbox is number 69. 3. Please to be observing the large metal shank sticking out of the side where I hit it (imagine your face on this)

Ian came up to me, I was lying on the ground, face down, Unconscious, not breathing, no pulse…. You know, dead. Rolling me over, slapping me about and pumping on my chest, Ian was able to revive me. All of this, including the following is on his account. I remember nothing an hour before hand, to long after. 

“Wait here, I will go get help” Ian runs to a house, slamming on the door. “Who’s there” says the startled home owner from inside a house at 1:00 in the morning “it’s ME” Ian exclaims!.... He gets them to call 911 and returns to find me, well, he doesn't. In shock, I have decided to get up and start walking my bike down the road; I was trying to go home. 

He convinces me to stop; when the paramedics arrive it takes Ian, a police officer, and both paramedics to wrestle me into the back of the ambulance (gangster). This is probably a good point to describe the extent of my injuries for the best idea of why this is crazy. I sustained a very large impact which left me with my face ripped wide open. My lip was essentially ripped off my face. I ended up with 36 stitches in my upper lip, 12 stitches under my tongue, 10 stitches in my nose (which was VERY broken) a fractured chest plate, lacerations from head to toe, a stretched MCL and a brain contusion ( that’s when your brain hits the inside of your skull so hard that it bruises)

I spent a good amount of time in the hospital, they had to keep me awake because every time I would start dozing off, I would stop breathing, and we all know you need to breathe in order to stay alive. I have pictures of myself shortly after, they are very hard to look at for me, and if you’re really curious I can dig one up for you. Essentially my face looked like a big purple balloon that someone took a cheese grater to. 

So, what is the point of this? Well, I see it as rebirth, or second chance. Today, when I wake up, despite my differences, despite the pain and difficulty in my life, I know, in my heart of hearts and the depth of my being; that there is no excuse to be upset. Every day with a heartbeat, is a blessing, a true and beautiful, wonderful, amazing blessing. I can walk, I can talk, I have a roof over my head and I have hundreds of amazing people in my life. I could not be happier to be alive. 

So what I want to say is, I love you, I love you all, thank you for being a part of this journey of mine. For whatever reason the universe decided it was not time for me to go that night, I am excited to discover why, I am excited in every moment and in every breath. 

So I walk around with joy, I rarely frown, and when I do I over compensate with a bigger smile. I create and dance as if the gods depend on it, I feel every moment with vigor and I spread as much love as I can at any turn.

Thank you, your good friend

-Matthew. 

Not Giving Up (Fine Line) Letting Go

 Well hello there Feel Gooders! First things first, sorry about my recent absence, among the litany of excuses are: family issues, a car crash and a vacation but to be completely truthful it’s just not been there for me the last couple weeks which can happen, everything in stride.

:::

Many of my activities over the past several months have been around the idea of moving on and letting go. I've done everything from meditation and yoga, going to festivals, binge music listening, dancing, weeping, binge partying and wild behavior, exercise, eating, dieting, I started a blog and made a bunch of art and I even did some shopping for needless shit.

As I did mental battle with myself over the past year and did this work on letting go, I realized that part of the arduous nature of it, the knee scraping climb out of the dirt while memories and lessons of life form strenuous grabbing, pulling, blocking hands of resistance… that it’s hard not because I can’t let go, but because I don’t want to give up.

So I poked around real quick when I knew I wanted to write about the similarities of the two (Giving up and letting go), boy am I late to the party… literally the thought is discussed at nausea, blogs, articles, scholarly journals, shitty annoying quotes and memes, etc.

So in the spirit of being brief, and not boring you with something I’m clearly the last to make correlation on, I’ll just say that I think it’s OK to tell ourselves, from time to time, it’s acceptable to give up.  It was clearly an internal battle for me of right vs. wrong, attachment vs. commitment and damage vs. preservation. All in all, I think we do ourselves harm in the hopes of holding on, because maybe even subconsciously, we think we’re doing what’s right.  I'm such an all in tough skin soft heart kind of man that I literally had to physically, emotionally and verbally tell myself it was ok to move on, to give up...

So today I want to tell you, it’s ok to give up, really, but you have to let yourself know… say it in your head, say it out loud, repeat it a bunch of times. It worked for me

“It’s ok to give up on that, let it go”

Now look at all that space you have for growth, it’s pretty great!

The last bits of a lost love burning in Temple BM14

"To gracefully retreat in a heated atmosphere is not easy; however, it has the advantage of preventing the compromise of integrity and a loss of grace. This can only be achieved by the exercise of superior character. In this case, it is only inferior characters that suffer, losing the guidance of the superior. So, rise to the occasion. Proper handling of a setback is an opportunity for greater progress in the long run"

:::

"When all signs point to retreat or resignation, the proper course of action must be followed without regret. Sometimes great issues resolve themselves; in such cases, it doesn't help you to remain attached to futile goals and ambitions. The most successful approach is a cheerful acceptance of fate, and a willingness to proceed along the open road -- even if it leads you into unfamiliar realms. If you can leave them smiling, this is a great success."