Revisiting the purpose:
I started writing this thing called the Friday Feel Good back when I got divorced in 2013. My last post to the FFG was in March of 2015 over 2 years ago. The purpose of the blog was to work through some pain, and to honor some commitments to myself. Here is a snippet from my very first post where I posit the intention.
"One of my main purposes here is to participate in an exercise of character manipulation. I need to force recognition of positive things in the world and the people in my life. I am choosing to become a warmer and happy person in as many was as I can. However, we all know that change doesn't happen in the decision; it's a long arduous movement, and a commitment to a goal. So, this is part of that journey for me. I need to strike an internal balance of passion, creativity, love and admiration with my intensity, strong will, determinism and secular humanity, all while leaving out the byproduct of anger and frustration before it destroys me, and who I am." -2014
...Before it destroys me, and who I am...
Let me tell you fam, I came fucking close. Real fucking close. At some point I decided to walk away from this mission, and with it my self honor... I became reckless, lost in shame and self pity. Every defeat I suffered walked me that much closer to the edge and then justified subsequent failures. I became overwhelmed by the problem I was trying to heal and the damage I was doing was much bigger than the band-aids I was placing on them. I literally almost lost everything I have, everything I've built including my freedom... and for what? Drinking? drugs? escape? avoidance? fear? loneliness? maybe shame...
Relationships suffered, I suffered, anger and depression were the chiefs on train and I was being dragged behind the caboose by the beast that I had created. The further I got away from replacing what I had lost, from filling that hole that my divorce caused, the bigger her ghost got on my shoulder. And let's also note, I stopped writing all together. This love that I had lost, destroyed me on a level that quite frankly can only be seen now as I climb with bloodied knees and a tempered will to the top of the well.
Because something happened this year, I finally crawled out of what ever sticky, dark, noisy, painful prison it is that I built for myself.... This place that will always be found printed on me as I have been found smacking my dignity against the wall there and taking it's form. Yet, somehow I came up for air and saw a path. Because let me tell you fam, I'm on it. I'm back on track to mission one, make Matthew better.
Because here is the brass tax. I wrote, began and engaged the FFG because I want to remember what it's like to be happy; and when I can navigate that progress in words, when I can put it out into the ether I get one step closer to getting what I want. One step closer to having something new, because replacing what I lost was the WRONG idea. This is about the NEW. I'm about to explode into a thousand good things and none of it is myriad to the past. My intention is flowing throw my veins with effervescence and it will not stop until it raises me up and everyone I love right along with it... because fam, you are the ones, YOU lifted me to the top of the well, and pulled me the fuck out.
Some of my written words to follow these thoughts....
A strange mystical unleashed beast, my heart stomps fields and recreates flowering feasts.
We fill with love this home, That is why this time, the window shall break the stone.
A wondering bard from the east, my heart plays the directions and shows
the world it’s musical priest.
Recall falling towards you, memories ensure I’ll never be alone,
this is why I won’t be amazed, when the window breaks the stone.
An innocent child emotions tidy and replete, my heart is open and ready, prepared for the neat.
Everything that surrounds us now was made with the truth of love, all on our own,
Which is why it sits still and not cast, the window will never even have to face the stone.
-RESISTANT PANDA
THE FRIDAY FEEL GOOD MOTHER FUCKERS!!!
