The Portuguese Ninja Turtle

Hello Friday Feel Gooders! As always, long time no bloggy, whaddayagonnadobouit-eh? As noted in the ole public forums, I’m still looking for guest writers, or suggestions, inspiration stuff or participants for upcoming projects. Let me know if you’re interested.

Back in 2009 I was in Vienna Austria and I had met a young man named Artur. Artur was from Portugal and had been traveling a bit longer than I had at the time. We ended up getting along fairly well and spent our time in Wien together and even travelled a bit into Italy. Artur was a peculiar little fellow. He had a clean shaven face and head, an olive tint to his skin and was a bit on the short side… let’s say 5”4. Artur also carried with him on the top of his backpack this pop up tent which was round and discus in shape. This little green tent on my short little bald Portuguese friend made him look oddly similar to a ninja turtle; in fact when we were wandering around the canals and waterways of Wien I pretty much decided to play that scenario as real in my head for fun, just a couple ninja turtles roaming around the capital city of Austria. 

Artur and I shared many lengthy stories and philosophical ideas in our few days together, it’s partly why we got along well I’d say. We each had a similar ideas about why we were out there; it was part discovery and partly to share what we had to bring to the table ourselves. Our connection was one of those moments where despite being ninja turtles on vacation, it was full of manly wisdom where we reassured our egos and stroked out faces with stoic confidence.

One of the things Artur shared with me I’ve always carried with me, as well  I have re-shared this sentiment many times in my subsequent story telling, is this. “…Matthew, everywhere you go, you get to see your language, you see, even out here away from home with all these strangers in a place you’ve never been; you’ll never really feel alone. Imagine how it is for me, Portuguese is not spoken here or hardly anywhere, I’ve been traveling for 3 months and I’ve not heard my tongue since I left home, that’s when you start to feel truly alone, when nobody can really hear you, talk to you”

The following video made me think of this immediately. It’s a bit overproduced but the sentiment is real. The idea I’m getting towards is imagine what it’s like to lose (at least to me) one of the most comforting things about life, being able to just simply interact with those around you on such simplistic things… do we take it for granted? Can we help someone feel more seen? I feel this really captures some of that emotion. It is an ad, but I think you’ll enjoy… it certainly warmed me a bit.  

The next time you see a strange ninja turtle man, see if he speaks Portuguese and see if you can’t make him feel a little more at home. 

Thanks everyone.

I Love Your Dents

Hello Friday Feel Gooders!!

Long time no bloggy? My bad, last term was a BEAR! The picture below is an indication of how I felt the last 3 months. Get off me bear!!

Right at the end of the term however my new and good friend Amarett threw down one of the most amazing events. For those of you who know me really well, hell, even some of you that don’t know me well; you know that I love me some party. I especially love costuming, creativity, imagination, art and music, and Dreamer had it in spades.

I really needed this night and the people in it and I’ll tell you why.

One thing that is very true about the last year of my life is that a great portion of my time was spent pretending that my current realities didn't exist, or distracting myself from meaningful progress: movies, shows, video games, drinking and meaningless sleeping. Not that these things themselves are bad but as a form of escape they are. This was devastating to my creative process, there was no time to be alone with it because that time became toxic.

My life looked like a pop can that someone had stepped on, flattened, non-functioning and without purpose. Time eventually moved on and healthy activities and new or existing friendships began to fill the shape of the can back out, but something was apparent… the can was never going to look the same again and this made me angry. Why did the can get stepped on? Why would someone step on my fucking can?? And who’s gonna help me make this can look right again, and the worst of all things: wasting precious energies remembering the can the way it was.

Dreamer, Burning Man and What The Festival this year have been these beautiful fulfilling eclectic moments of primordial joy and healing. Exposure to dynamic and explosive new minds, personalities and beautiful magnanimous friends have been definitively quintessential in my healing process and the renewal of my creativity.

More than once I've found myself simply sitting down and feeling the earth in my hands and just being happy that there is a can at all… because you know what? The honest truth is my can looks so much better and brighter today than it ever has and it’s all thanks to the love that pours into my life by the way of all of you, my beautiful, amazing, mighty, artistic musical and powerfully inspiring family. Thank you for helping me restore creativity in my life.

Every dent, crease and blemish is a new opportunity to reflect a new light, to bend reality. Every contour a promise of perspective. Every peak and valley and every edge it bares is proof of wisdom. My life is an beaten, sharp, dented ass old can and it’s so beautiful…

Life is not smooth, we're all dented here and there, and baby... I love your dents. 

THE RESISTANT PANDA

Shock : Land

Hello Feel Gooders!

I didn’t have a specific topic to speak to today, but I’m feeeeeling generally good which is awesome. I wanted to just put up a brief TFFG for today then and write to you impromptu organically and from the heart.  

When I started this blog back in May I wasn't really sure what if anything would come of it. I was in a state of shock, really. Personal emotions were lofty, stability was a shadow concept and direction was more of poetic scribble.

I knew that I had to stick to principals because there was an echoing mousy voice in my mind that was giving me carte blanche to be an absolute douche bag. I narrowly escaped the possibility of suiting up into a different life in which my pain was a badge foraged in anger, justifying my new and unruly rage for the world.

But in reflection, meditation, love and support I was able to hold firm to proper principals and my conscious was able to stay aligned with my heart. More or less I've been able to make art from pain, and with all of you at my side.

Thanks to the many, many friends and family that have been there for me over the last year, have participated in this blog and stood for me when I could not.  Your love, your messages and your support mean the world to me – It’s amazing each week or entry to hear from various people on how I touched your life, or when what you say touches mine. The variety in which this comes, the beauty it’s inspired is so SO powerful for me, and nothing could be better.

Thank you all from the very, very bottom of my heart, your interactions with me will never be forgotten.

“Failure comes only when we forget our ideals and objectives and principals” –Nehru

Resilience and Fortitude

My beautiful, talented, loving, genuine and resilient friend: Lainey Wright

Good Morning Feel Gooders! Today I have a special request of you, but I’ll get into that towards the end. Again today I will be writing about a specific person (Which I really enjoy doing, and may just do for everyone I know) However, it’s with a heavy heart that I do so as she’s going through an immensely difficult day, today. It’s not my place to go into specifics, and I want to continue the aim of bringing her positivity; I’ll just say it’s an immensely difficult time.

Lainey Wright is a woman I met along with her equally amazing husband about 6 years ago.  I was immediately attracted and inspired by them as people because we’re cut and woven from the same fabric.  Similar to me, LW speaks her mind and dissolves with the small talk. She has an uncanny ability to make you laugh and cringe simultaneously with an eloquent verbal graffiti; Saying things that you’re already thinking with a boisterous brilliance.

LW is a striking, elevated and radiant mother of two smashing and splendid children. She is noble in her motherhood and genuine beyond measure. She’s a blogger, writer, photographer, a beautiful singer and musician, artist and friend. She and her husband have been remarkable friends to me. They have shown me kindness, respect and have allowed me to be me, seeing my heart for what it is and reflecting understanding emotions into my world.  

In life, difficulty and darkness have the tendency to obtrude unexpectedly, what that level of pain can induce to the self alone can be scary, dangerous and has its own set of consequences. Sometimes, we find ourselves in a situation of which we are totally unaware, you’re blindsided and your house is collapsing and you find yourself losing hope… or? You’re secure like a mountain and your resilience does not fall to the inferior elements around you and your perseverance alone is what prevents what seems like slow progress from dwindling into nothing.  This is LW.

I spend every day trying to find a way to position life so that the wind can blow from behind me, so that even difficulty and tragedy can somehow become a catalyst for success and fortitude. LW to me has shown me and unfolded for my eyes brilliance in this art. She’s taken amazingly difficult burdens and taken them down with spunk, devotedness and resilience.

For this, Lainey Wright: is my mentor today in finding positivity, in allowing life to come in and intelligently letting it back out. Thank you and I love you.

Now back to your part in this. Today I want you to help me spread as much joy as you can. You can come into this however you feel is your best and strongest. Here are some ideas:

• ·         Call or write someone you admire and tell them about it
• ·         Say I love you a few more times today, no matter who it is for.
• ·         Do some cartwheels
• ·         Make that hug last a little longer
• ·         Sing, dance, SCREAM and smile
• ·         Listen to great music incredibly loud, feel that shit
• ·         Share my story today, see if we can get others on board, spread the news
• ·         Make some art, give some art, receive some art
• ·         Get your feet dirty and appreciate the rain, BE in the rain. 
• ·         Smile at a stranger
• ·         Skip the small talk, get real with somebody
• ·         Look in the mirror and tell yourself you’re beautiful
•       And most importantly DONT TAKE ANY SHIT!! 

Thank you everyone for reading, as always, spread the love and positivity for me, for us, today!! I love you all!!! 

Rebirth / Second Chances

The following is an open letter which I publish in some form or another, sometimes privately sometimes publicly every year and have been now for 10 years. I think it's massively important that we examine the idea of second chances whether we're receiving or giving them. I try to do this for others when I can.

Thanks and love to you all!

11 years ago today, I was involved in a very serious bike crash. This incident which I will describe further, left me dead in the street (and I still would be, if it were not for my friend Ian) so naturally, today is a very special day to me.

It was October 9th, 2003, my friend Ian and I were out on a late night bike ride around White Bear Lake. The night was clear; it was fall, so it was cool. About 3/4 way around the 11 mile ride I was coming down a hill, it was dark. I was around 100 yards in front of Ian at this time.  Still unexplained to this day, Ian saw me take a sharp left off the road; it is assumed that an animal, perhaps a deer, had run out in front of me.

At about 25-30 mph I collided face first into a large mailbox affixed to the ground with two large 4x4 posts. I’d like to stop here and allow you to observe the photo. A few things to point out: 1. I rolled this mailbox into the ditch, broke one of the 4x4 posts in half. 2. the middle mailbox is number 69. 3. Please to be observing the large metal shank sticking out of the side where I hit it (imagine your face on this)

Ian came up to me, I was lying on the ground, face down, Unconscious, not breathing, no pulse…. You know, dead. Rolling me over, slapping me about and pumping on my chest, Ian was able to revive me. All of this, including the following is on his account. I remember nothing an hour before hand, to long after. 

“Wait here, I will go get help” Ian runs to a house, slamming on the door. “Who’s there” says the startled home owner from inside a house at 1:00 in the morning “it’s ME” Ian exclaims!.... He gets them to call 911 and returns to find me, well, he doesn't. In shock, I have decided to get up and start walking my bike down the road; I was trying to go home. 

He convinces me to stop; when the paramedics arrive it takes Ian, a police officer, and both paramedics to wrestle me into the back of the ambulance (gangster). This is probably a good point to describe the extent of my injuries for the best idea of why this is crazy. I sustained a very large impact which left me with my face ripped wide open. My lip was essentially ripped off my face. I ended up with 36 stitches in my upper lip, 12 stitches under my tongue, 10 stitches in my nose (which was VERY broken) a fractured chest plate, lacerations from head to toe, a stretched MCL and a brain contusion ( that’s when your brain hits the inside of your skull so hard that it bruises)

I spent a good amount of time in the hospital, they had to keep me awake because every time I would start dozing off, I would stop breathing, and we all know you need to breathe in order to stay alive. I have pictures of myself shortly after, they are very hard to look at for me, and if you’re really curious I can dig one up for you. Essentially my face looked like a big purple balloon that someone took a cheese grater to. 

So, what is the point of this? Well, I see it as rebirth, or second chance. Today, when I wake up, despite my differences, despite the pain and difficulty in my life, I know, in my heart of hearts and the depth of my being; that there is no excuse to be upset. Every day with a heartbeat, is a blessing, a true and beautiful, wonderful, amazing blessing. I can walk, I can talk, I have a roof over my head and I have hundreds of amazing people in my life. I could not be happier to be alive. 

So what I want to say is, I love you, I love you all, thank you for being a part of this journey of mine. For whatever reason the universe decided it was not time for me to go that night, I am excited to discover why, I am excited in every moment and in every breath. 

So I walk around with joy, I rarely frown, and when I do I over compensate with a bigger smile. I create and dance as if the gods depend on it, I feel every moment with vigor and I spread as much love as I can at any turn.

Thank you, your good friend

-Matthew. 

Not Giving Up (Fine Line) Letting Go

 Well hello there Feel Gooders! First things first, sorry about my recent absence, among the litany of excuses are: family issues, a car crash and a vacation but to be completely truthful it’s just not been there for me the last couple weeks which can happen, everything in stride.

:::

Many of my activities over the past several months have been around the idea of moving on and letting go. I've done everything from meditation and yoga, going to festivals, binge music listening, dancing, weeping, binge partying and wild behavior, exercise, eating, dieting, I started a blog and made a bunch of art and I even did some shopping for needless shit.

As I did mental battle with myself over the past year and did this work on letting go, I realized that part of the arduous nature of it, the knee scraping climb out of the dirt while memories and lessons of life form strenuous grabbing, pulling, blocking hands of resistance… that it’s hard not because I can’t let go, but because I don’t want to give up.

So I poked around real quick when I knew I wanted to write about the similarities of the two (Giving up and letting go), boy am I late to the party… literally the thought is discussed at nausea, blogs, articles, scholarly journals, shitty annoying quotes and memes, etc.

So in the spirit of being brief, and not boring you with something I’m clearly the last to make correlation on, I’ll just say that I think it’s OK to tell ourselves, from time to time, it’s acceptable to give up.  It was clearly an internal battle for me of right vs. wrong, attachment vs. commitment and damage vs. preservation. All in all, I think we do ourselves harm in the hopes of holding on, because maybe even subconsciously, we think we’re doing what’s right.  I'm such an all in tough skin soft heart kind of man that I literally had to physically, emotionally and verbally tell myself it was ok to move on, to give up...

So today I want to tell you, it’s ok to give up, really, but you have to let yourself know… say it in your head, say it out loud, repeat it a bunch of times. It worked for me

“It’s ok to give up on that, let it go”

Now look at all that space you have for growth, it’s pretty great!

The last bits of a lost love burning in Temple BM14

"To gracefully retreat in a heated atmosphere is not easy; however, it has the advantage of preventing the compromise of integrity and a loss of grace. This can only be achieved by the exercise of superior character. In this case, it is only inferior characters that suffer, losing the guidance of the superior. So, rise to the occasion. Proper handling of a setback is an opportunity for greater progress in the long run"

:::

"When all signs point to retreat or resignation, the proper course of action must be followed without regret. Sometimes great issues resolve themselves; in such cases, it doesn't help you to remain attached to futile goals and ambitions. The most successful approach is a cheerful acceptance of fate, and a willingness to proceed along the open road -- even if it leads you into unfamiliar realms. If you can leave them smiling, this is a great success."

Bonne Âme

Hello Feel Gooders!!

Sorry for the late distro, I had some concerned feel gooders checkin in on their happy. Today’s gonna be a quick, personal, fluffy puffy shout out style to a real solid individual. Since most of you don’t know her, I’ll tie it in some way with some absurd and gooey moral of the story bit.

I’m not going to out this person in the TFFG here, she can do that to herself if she wants, not even gonna tell her I’m doing it; she’ll figure it out on own. Tomorrow is her Birthday, so it’s fun to give her some mad props and a little trumpeting ego boosting. 

To protect the identity of the innocent, let’s just call her “Bonne Âme.” Bonne Âme and I were friends way back in the day, throwback style all up in high school and everything… given that I’m basically the oldest man on earth now this makes that a long time ago and a worthy length of time in frienship. Bonne Âme and I never were romantic per se, but I’m fairly certain we’ve both considered it. Bonne Âme Is a truly special person, and I’ll tell you why. 

For starters she’s done and accepted challenges in her life that I would never be able to take on, that I would have run in fear of disregarding my integrity as I tossed the option out a moving train, for this she’s admirable. 

Bonne Âme is so incredibly clever and witty, I don’t hand this compliment to many, if any; The reason for this being that I too am incredibly clever and witty (Yes, and pompous) so having a companion in the game of hilarious quip that most don’t get, priceless, for this she’s invaluable.

Bonne Âme is incredibly thoughtful. This is something I struggle with, and hold her ability to be so in the highest regard. Remembering my birthday (Without facebook, ya goddam cheaters!) and sending me gifts without solicitation or apparent need. For this she is gracious.

But most importantly, despite the fact we’ve hardly spent that much time together; she’s taken the time to see me for who I really am, she sees my heart and my good nature.  She’s shared with me my own frustrations when I alone thought I was yet again the only one who understands my truth and intention. Genuine beyond description, beautiful in her care for me and all things, for this she is Une âme très belle et aimante, A very beautiful and loving soul.

To bring it around, here is to Bonne Âme,! and to YOUR  Bonne Âme, and all that they do for you. 

Another take, maybe there is someone in your life, who you see as they are… have you told them? Empathized with them? Called them out for the amazing person they are or maybe even help YOU to be? Maybe you’re not best friends, or close friends; however, you may be really important to them and you just don’t know it yet. Our hearts and minds seek validation in life, we want to be heard and understood, yes?

Maybe your challenge today is to reach out to someone and just let them know, I get it, and I see you.

Love you Bonne Âme!! Happy birthday!

MWAH!!!